Cursed by a Blessing

“Is it a gift? As painful as it is, it is still a blessing, God? How many times have I called journalling my greatest blessing and greatest curse? My journalling defines me. It’s who I am. It dictates my emotions and spirituality and relationships. It is my past and my present, and I’m so attached that it will be my future too. I could use my current anguish as a reason to stop journalling, but I can’t bear that thought! That literally might kill me because I am my journalling. It’s my greatest curse and my greatest blessing.”
~~May 13, 2010

Memories are fantastic! Some of the greatest times in life are sitting with a group of people and reminiscing about a shared past. Or getting together to do something that we all know we’ll never forget. Those instances get the “timeless” label. They are beautiful, peaceful, divine.

But memories, or forgetting them, can serve as coping mechanisms. It’s said that time heals all wounds. I’d argue the point, but there is truth the phrase. Over time humans learn to diminish memories that were bad and augment good ones. It’s how we can survive each day and not be chained to past choices. Regrets exist, but they can be downplayed over time.

I have the unique opportunity to not forget my past. It’s not that I have a super memory or anything. It’s just that I’m willfully addicted to journalling. Every day I write down truth about my life. And every day I can choose to go back and read about the truth of my life. Sometimes it allows me to celebrate a great day from my past! Then journalling is my greatest blessing. Other times it reminds me of a mistake I’d like to take back. Then journalling is my greatest curse. Always it points out the faults in my memory. But, it’s who I am. I can accept that.

Reality Check

I just heard on the news that 6 people were shot and 1 person was stabbed within the last 48 hours in Baltimore City. These were 7 isolated incidences. So much violence in such a short span of time is unusual, but not all that unbelievable here in Baltimore. This story came after 2 other stories about murders in Baltimore within the last week and before stories of a house fire and a person who was hospitalized with glass in their eye after their car window was shot, probably by a bb gun.

I suppose someone could react to this and say they must take all possible actions to prevent these atrocities. I react more selfishly though. If life is so fragile, if life can be so short, then how should I be living now? I’m not afraid to die, but I am afraid to waste the time that I have left.

I call myself a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ. With my mouth I claim to follow Jesus and strive to be an imitator of his life and teachings. That’s how I want to live with the time I have left. That’s the secret to not wasting the time we’ve all been given. It’s an easy answer to reach yet its meaning leaves me with such anguish! How does one live as an imitator of Christ? What does that look like?

As possible answers to these questions come pouring into my mind I’m hit by a deeper and darker question: Am I really a Christian? My life doesn’t often look like Jesus’. If I can’t live what I claim to believe, then do I really believe it?

In John 8 Jesus is talking with a group of Jews. In verse 39 they claim that Abraham is their father. They are proud of their lineage, their history, their ancestor. They happily boast in their connection to such a man of God, but Jesus won’t accept it. He tells them that they cannot be children of Abraham because they don’t do what Abraham did. Abraham would have never sought to kill a man who speaks the truth from God as they are doing.

Jesus is speaking to me too. I happily boast in my relationship with Jesus, in my Christianity, but how can I claim that if my life doesn’t live it? I know I can never fully replicate Jesus’ love or peace or sacrifice in my life, but can’t I at least love like Jesus a little bit? Can’t I at least stand a little apart from the rest of the world in peace? Can’t I live and serve and sacrifice a bit of my time for the sake of others?

Yeah, I think I can. And perhaps it must start small; after all, my time left on earth may be small.

City driving

I live in a city now. Therefore, I drive in a city now. When I first started driving in Baltimore I was more than a little bit apprehensive. The roads were all unfamiliar (plus there were a ton of them!) and the drivers were more aggressive (plus there were a ton of them!). I was scared to drive at first, but as I slowly grew accustomed to the way of a city driver I embraced it as a challenge, an adventure. Could I reach my destination without looking at it on Google Maps first? Could I get there without using a map at all? Yes, and yes, eventually I could.

My driving progressed and I began to look at it more as a competition. Could I get there faster, without breaking speed limits? Could I choose the best roads and the fastest lanes? If I wanted to turn left a few blocks later, but the right lane was moving more quickly now, then could I trust myself to merge later after passing a few cars? I was hoping the answer would become yes more frequently. That hasn’t happened yet.

City driving is too random. I can’t take everything into account. I can’t create a winning formula. Mathematically, driving is too complex. Sometimes I’d make good choices, but those same choices would be slower the next day. Sometimes a car would stop randomly in a lane and force all other cars to bottleneck around them. Sometimes it’d be construction, other times a moving truck. Taxi cabs are the real wildcard that I can’t quite grasp. Occasionally they are the most aggressive vehicles on the road. Other times they can be the kindest, most patient drivers.

So I’ve given up. This is my declaration of resignation. Baltimore, your roads no longer intimidate me, but I can’t figure them out. I promise to not always seek the fastest way and instead enjoy the drive for a change.

Technological revivals

I love technology, especially when it works. It's less ideal when it doesn't work, but for the most part I know how to fix it. It's called waiting.

My freshman year of college my hard drive failed. I took it all apart and tried to fix it several times. I gave it to a computer science major. He helped me run it through Lenox for a while. I couldn't get to any of my files though. Then, randomly, about a month later my hard drive worked again. No one could explain it to me, but I was thankful!

Last spring I was using my head phones in the library when the right side started crackling and then died altogether. I was so disappointed because those head phones got heavy usage, especially around finals week. The next day, the right side was working just fine. I didn't understand.

In May, the day that I put new strings on my guitar, my tuner died. I thought the batteries were dead, so I switched them. Those didn't work either. Even though they came straight out of a new pack of batteries I figured they must be dead too. But the next set didn't work either. About two weeks ago my tuner was up and running again with the original batteries still in them. My tuner hasn't failed me since.

In February or March the timer and mine counter on my Minesweeper game shifted to the right so that I could no longer see the ones place. If it said I had 4 mines left that meant I had somewhere between 40 and 49 mines left. If it claimed I'd been playing the puzzle for 11 seconds that meant I'd be at it for over 110. Tonight though, both the timer and counter are fully readable. I can actually know how long I've been going and how many mines I have left! It's wonderful.

The moral of the story: Don't give up on broken technology. Maybe it's just sleeping and will work later.

Life

Such is life: it ends in death. In movies and books the main characters may not dies, but if movies and books were real then you could rest assured that even the main characters will die. If in the movie or book or any story that characters cannot die, then you can rest assured that the story is not real life.

The greatest gift in life is life itself. Each day that we wake up and breathe and think and feel and loves is the greatest gift. Therefore the worst thin in life is death. It's the removal of the greatest gift. It's the loss of all that one person is. All suffer at the loss of life, for we are all connected.

The greatest love in life is also death. Through death all is abandoned and cannot be reclaimed. Where the greatest gift and greatest loss intersect is the greatest love. To willingly relinquish your life for another bears the greatest loss at expense of the greatest gift. There is no greater sacrifice and no greater love.

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friend." John 15:13

I'm inclined to disagree with Jesus on this point. At the Sermon on the Mount Jesus said we ought to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44). Indeed, the greatest love is making the greatest sacrifice for one's enemy.

God's love feels greatest to me not when I am acting as a friend of God, but when I am an enemy. Even in those times of rebellion God's love remains with me. In his crucifixion Jesus didn't only give his life for friends, but also enemies. Jesus demonstrated the greatest love and I too want to demonstrate that some day. Until then though, I want to show glimpses of the same love as I live thankful for each day.

Adventure

Someone once wrote: "I don't know what part of my brain is used to play Minesweeper, but the part that isn't used goes on an adventure! Outwardly it looks like I care greatly about numbers and flags, which I do, but inwardly my mind is much more active than that! In my head my mind can go anywhere!"

So true, so true.

The Story We Find Ourselves In

I just finished my third book of this year in Mennonite Voluntary Service in Baltimore. It was "The Story We Find Ourselves In" by Brian McLaren. I've read several book by McLaren and I've always enjoyed them. In fact, without exception I've always bought the book after I finished reading it and then reread it, something that rarely happens. It was one of several books handed to me by my current pastor 6 days ago in addition to a longer list of books to read. (Earlier this week I read "Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller. It's also a really good book!) I was quite excited to see this McLaren book was one that he handed to me. And I was even more excited to see that there were actually 2 McLaren books on my list!

I was then disappointed to see that "The Story We Find Ourselves In" is actually the 2nd book in a series McLaren wrote. The first was "A New Kind of Christian" and I was not handed that one. In fact, "The Story We Find Ourselves In" wasn't even on my list. My pastor meant to give me the first one. The obvious upside: I still have 2 other McLaren books to read on my list! And both books in this set, though connected were meant to stand alone. There were several references to the first book in the second, but it really can stand alone.

I hadn't read a book of this style before. It was fiction theology. The book was fiction, but the intent was to explain the theology of the Christian narrative in a postmodern world. So basically it was fun theology. It may not be the most concise or in depth way to explain theology, but it's fun to read in the context of a story. The characters just happened to have extensive conversations on theology throughout the book.

The basic story line: The life of a pastor in Maryland is forever altered when his life story intersects with a friend of a friend, a woman who is being treated for breast cancer at the National Institute of Health. Through her, the pastor learns about how their mutual friend has been explaining the story we find ourselves in(the Christian narrative). When the friend also comes to Maryland, the story can be completed.

If anyone knows anything about me, they it's quite clear this book hit close to home. I'll list why: I'm serving as an intern pastor in Maryland for a year. The pastor's name in this book? Daniel. My mom has been battling breast cancer for several months now (one day shy of 5 months, I guess). For about the last month I've been unusually intrigued by the Biblical narrative, feeling the need to know exactly how it all fits together. Also, for years I've been trying to find my place as a postmodern Christian. Postmodernity scares some Christians, but I've always felt like it shouldn't.

So yeah, I loved this book. It's going to take me a while to unpack it all. Maybe that'll give me enough time to buy it for myself and read it again!