One month later

It's been a month.

I stumbled across this tonight and realized it was the perfect thing to toss up on my blog for all to read. I don't know how much it'll mean to anyone else, but it was powerful for me to reread tonight. When I wrote it I was attempting to figure out how I felt. I was aiming for just one concise word, but this is what spilled out:

"January 3, 2008

Alright, this is weird and it won’t make sense, but bear with me: I expect my expectations to be completely wrong. I expect that God will totally destroy my plans and hopes and dreams. And in that way I’ll find that God really is in control. So I won’t stop making plans and dreaming. I won’t stop hoping or making expectations, but I will hand my semester and my life over to God to totally break. Break is the right word. I seek brokenness, uncomfortableness, stress, fear. I desire to be shattered into a million pieces by the thoughts I have forced upon me by all I see, hear, taste, touch, and smell. And when I fall, I fall on God. I fall into the arms of Jesus. I find out how holy God is. I find my place in this world. I lose all of myself. My eyes will be lifted to heaven. Only God and I will know. My prayers will fly! I’ll see all that God does. I’ll make promises. My good days will span months! I’ll follow what I love. I’ll be silent. I’ll cry out to God. I’ll know another world. I’ll know God loves me and remember all that I have to be thankful for. I’ll finally know how much God wants to know me. I’ll never stop singing and I’ll never cease to be amazed. I’ll be crucified with Christ. I’ll fall down, give my all and see that God was there the whole time. I’ll be consumed by holy fire. I’ll fully glimpse God’s mercy and glory as it’s shown to me. I’ll lose my life and find my love. Then I’ll come back. My life will span on. The time of my life won’t be over. And God will know me and I’ll know that he’s never gone. God is everlasting. No one word can sum up how I feel. That all is how I feel. "


Yeah. Thanks for reading.