"The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair" (a.k.a. illogical, irrational, foolish and idiotic by human standards, ununderstandable, I don't get it).
That's been a favorite Relient K lyric of mine for years, but it had extra meaning to me this past Saturday. I was driving back to Baltimore after spending a few Thanksgiving days with family in Virginia. Virginia with family and friends is a place where I feel comfortable. I’ve been me there and I’m alright with it. Baltimore is a new place, a challenging place, and I constantly find myself questioning who I am here. During my latest 3 hour transitional drive I heard this Relient K lyric once again.
Recently I've been wrestling with myself and my faith. I'm a T (thinker) rather than an F (feeler) according to the free Myers Briggs personality tests I took online. As such, I have an incessant need to rationalize and think my way through everything. This shows up mainly in table games, Minesweeper, and my need to observe new groups of people so that I can figure them out before I join in. Unfortunately, I've also realized lately that it stretches to my faith as well. It means if my mind can't make sense of something then it's awfully hard for me to believe it.
Essentially this boils down to a very shallow faith. As much as I enjoy the vast depth of a human brain, let’s be honest, its capabilities are nothing compared with the mystery of God. If I always have to understand something to believe it, then I’ll never fully believe anything about God. My brother’s story of dumb lambs feels especially true here. It’s like sheep trying to understand the method of the shepherd. If I were a sheep I’d strain my brain trying to grasp the shepherd’s instructions and then starve out of stubbornness.
Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” I’d add “what we do not understand” as well. I want real faith.
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